To date, I have been far-removed from this blog. I wish that was just the fact with the blog, but unfortunately, it has been the fact with this whole process.
After a conversation with my mom last night, I realized that I have been really extremely selfish. I had this attitude like, “I said I would go, Caleb. Now you do all the work!”
Lately, I have had a growing anxiety about our decision to go to PNG.
Really? Why? Could it be the economy? Or the fact the house has not sold? What about the schedule conflict for the training in April? Any of those a factor? I know, maybe it is more theological and super-spiritual and you really weren’t “called” to go in the first place! I mean, did you really hear the loud, audible voice from God or start to spin the globe and watch God’s finger point to PNG? Then, you must have gotten in wrong!
But, what is odd is the source of my discouragement. It has not been with my calling, with the economy or with the house. (Don’t get me wrong, those have been a factor, but I don’t think they are the source.) I have been discouraged with myself.
Why am I not bubbling over with passion and excitement about the work of Bible Translation? Why do I not see this endeavor as something beyond me and my job and my house and my car and my dog? Why am I so focused on the fact that the house has not sold and so focused on all the comp time I have to earn just to go to our first Orlando training? Why am I not even willing in the smallest sense of the word to help Caleb work on our PowerPoint for future talks?
So, unfortunately, I do not have any “Come to Jesus” moments to blog about just yet. What I have determined, through excellent council from MOM, is that 1) THIS was BOUND to happen….I was BOUND to freak out. (She’s surprised it hasn’t happened sooner!….thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom! hehe) and 2) I am not in the posture that I should be towards God. I have been looking at his with this attitude of entitlement, waiving all my comp time balances at him, while saying, “I’m ready, sell the house, give me the time off work, send the partnerships and THEN I’ll get excited about what we are going to do in PNG.” I have not brought these fears and struggles to God. I was afraid that if I vented to him and “gave him ultimatums”, then I would be testing God and “asking for a sign.” But God wants my heart. He wants me to bring these struggles to him and waive the ultimatum flags. Do I really think he can’t handle my temper tantrums? He’s G-O-D!
I have also realized that I have to get over my pride. So what if I actually start to seek God more about the every day decisions and ask him to give me a heart for the mission work we hope to do…..and THEN we still don’t raise the support and we still do not sell the house and we still do not go.
We are here, in THIS moment, together as a family, together with all our amazing friends and supporters, T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R! I have to stop doing all of this worrying and freaking out on my own….and I have to stop expecting Caleb to do everything else on his own.
So, please come back and visit this blog from time to time. I hope to post more soon about why I am ready to go to PNG and why I feel like God has touched my heart in a unique way…..but that should all be in a post in and of itself!
After a conversation with my mom last night, I realized that I have been really extremely selfish. I had this attitude like, “I said I would go, Caleb. Now you do all the work!”
Lately, I have had a growing anxiety about our decision to go to PNG.
Really? Why? Could it be the economy? Or the fact the house has not sold? What about the schedule conflict for the training in April? Any of those a factor? I know, maybe it is more theological and super-spiritual and you really weren’t “called” to go in the first place! I mean, did you really hear the loud, audible voice from God or start to spin the globe and watch God’s finger point to PNG? Then, you must have gotten in wrong!
But, what is odd is the source of my discouragement. It has not been with my calling, with the economy or with the house. (Don’t get me wrong, those have been a factor, but I don’t think they are the source.) I have been discouraged with myself.
Why am I not bubbling over with passion and excitement about the work of Bible Translation? Why do I not see this endeavor as something beyond me and my job and my house and my car and my dog? Why am I so focused on the fact that the house has not sold and so focused on all the comp time I have to earn just to go to our first Orlando training? Why am I not even willing in the smallest sense of the word to help Caleb work on our PowerPoint for future talks?
So, unfortunately, I do not have any “Come to Jesus” moments to blog about just yet. What I have determined, through excellent council from MOM, is that 1) THIS was BOUND to happen….I was BOUND to freak out. (She’s surprised it hasn’t happened sooner!….thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom! hehe) and 2) I am not in the posture that I should be towards God. I have been looking at his with this attitude of entitlement, waiving all my comp time balances at him, while saying, “I’m ready, sell the house, give me the time off work, send the partnerships and THEN I’ll get excited about what we are going to do in PNG.” I have not brought these fears and struggles to God. I was afraid that if I vented to him and “gave him ultimatums”, then I would be testing God and “asking for a sign.” But God wants my heart. He wants me to bring these struggles to him and waive the ultimatum flags. Do I really think he can’t handle my temper tantrums? He’s G-O-D!
I have also realized that I have to get over my pride. So what if I actually start to seek God more about the every day decisions and ask him to give me a heart for the mission work we hope to do…..and THEN we still don’t raise the support and we still do not sell the house and we still do not go.
We are here, in THIS moment, together as a family, together with all our amazing friends and supporters, T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R! I have to stop doing all of this worrying and freaking out on my own….and I have to stop expecting Caleb to do everything else on his own.
So, please come back and visit this blog from time to time. I hope to post more soon about why I am ready to go to PNG and why I feel like God has touched my heart in a unique way…..but that should all be in a post in and of itself!
Also, I hope to get some ideas from people about how to build partnerships. The organization has some guidelines and Caleb’s parent’s did this YEARS ago, but I want to break the mold! I want to be different….
oh ex-roomie. i feel you.
ReplyDeletewe have friends that are planning on going to central asia with us this coming october and their house has been on the market for a loooong time. so you're definitely not alone in that boat. there's so many zillions of factors that have to come together to get a family overseas and i wonder how it ever happens at all! i sure am glad God is G-O-D. :)